Project Description

Razor
April 2003

Sexual Healing
Confessions to a Sexologist

Although we go to the doctor when we have health problems, most of us never think of going to a “sex doc” when we have sexual problems. Sexual concerns can be emvarrassing enough, without having to confide in a total stranger. (“Nice to meet you. Did I tell you about my wife’s lack of sexual desire and my limp penis?”)

So what happens at sex therapy? To find out, I made an appointment with Dr. Ava Cadell, an LA-based sexologist and certified sex therapist located across the street from Hustler Hollywood – the sex toy superstore guarded by a huge billboard that screams, “Relax, it’s just sex!” As I walk in, she lifts up a drawing of her new sex invention, a contraption that promises “trigasms.” It stimulates the vagina, the clitoris and the g-spot all at once,” she announced. “I’ll send you one!”
Dr. Ava believes that for every sexual problem, there is a solution – that’s what a sex therapist is there for. “Almost everyone has the ability to improve their sex life,” says Dr. Ava, a busty brunette with a cute Hungarian accent who looks like a younger, sexier Dr. Ruth. “Everybody want to be a good lover.” (There’s nothing more humiliating than someone accusing you of being bad in bed.)
The most common concerns from men include performance problems such as premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction (ED) and sexual boredom in long-term relationships. For women, it’s lack of sexual desire and inability to achieve orgasm. “I tell women to be responsible for their own orgasms,” says Dr. Ava. (Tell me about it.) For women who aren’t satisfied by their lovers, she offers everything from specific coochie fondling techniques to advice on teaching their men how to work it down there., even suggesting “clitoral strokes.” Every woman is capable of having an orgasm, she just needs to discover the right kind of stimulation,” she tells me, as I scan the shelves in her office stacked with dildos, trildos, vibrators and anal stimulators.
A common problem for women is also lack of sexual arousal. To remedy the situation, I wonder if the good doctor ever recommends porn. “Whatever it takes,” she says. “I’m a big believer in porn, I think porn has therapeutic value and encourage women to watch anything by Andrew Blake. Blake has beautiful locations in his videos and beautiful people. It helps women get over their inhibitions.” (I agree. Watching a threesome, a couple of anals and a money shot always loosens me up.)

Not all sex concerns are so cut and dry. Dr. Ava, who has chronicled the problems of couples and singles in her book, Confessions to a Sexologist, sees all kind of people. She sent one, a 36-year-old virgin who was so shy with women that he was afraid to have sex, to a sex surrogate. An Iranian couple, whose religion doesn’t allow sex before marriage, on their wedding night discovered that his penis was way too big for her. Dr. Ava’s advice: “First, I told the husband to focus more on foreplay. Then I gave the wife four dildos of different sizes and told her to go home and practice!” (The dildos were sized Small, Medium, Large and Camel.)

Dr. Ava warns against couples bringing conflict into the bedroom. “I had one couple where the husband was really mad at his wife because she insulted his penis!” says Dr. Ava. “He was traumatized. Words can hurt and without forgiveness you can’t have good sex.”

Sexual problems are often emotional rather than physical. “Anger and resentment do not make for a good sex life,” she says. “Most couples have some sort of pwerstruggle, whether it has to do with such conflicts as frequency of sex, lack of sexual satisfaction, or fidelity issues.” For couples who need sexual healing, Dr. Ava follows a 12-step plan to get them back together. She has them try everything from giving and receiving emotional compliments, to discovering each other’s erogenous zones (“Where did you say your G-spot was again?”), to sexual etiquette (Never insult each other’s body parts to nude wrestling. (That could be good.)

One husband who came to see Dr. Ava complained his wife was so uptight that she couldn’t relax and enjoy it, let alone achieve orgasm. “She came from a strict Christian background that taught her that sex was sinful and dirty,” says Dr. Ava “She needed to get over the shame and guilt.” Dr. Ava’s solution: “I introduced the couple to Tantric and Taoist erotic arts of the East. Then she could practice some of these techniques while assuaging her guilt.” (This took her mind off the dirty nasty sex she was going to hell for.)

When she gets me to admit my sexual problem (I confess, I’m horny), Dr. Ava recommends a sensual body massage by a professional masseuse. “Every woman should have an erotic massage,” Dr. Ava. “Most men do not know how to sensually massage a woman.”

She hands me his card and says, “I just got a massage! He charges $60.”
“Does he give the happy ending?” I want to know.
“He’ll do whatever you want!” she says. “Oh, and he’s a Buddhist.” (Next month: “An appointment with the erotic Buddhist guru.”

After hearing some of Dr. Ava’s tips, I start to think that everyone should go to a sex therapist, whether they have sex “problems” or not. It is true, everybody can be better in bed and have more fun while they’re in there. (The guys I’ve dated should all go.)

Since Dr. Ava gave me a complementary consultation (sex therapists range from $100 to $170 an hour) I handed her two pornos as payment. The next day she sent me an e-mail that said, “Thanks for the porn! You are responsible for two orgasms!”