By Dr. Judy Kuriansky
One of my favorite jokes is “As the Dow Jones goes, so do men’s erections.” In fact, it’s also true. If a guy’s finances boom, his confidence may well blossom in the bedroom. But if his portfolio slumps, his sexual performance can similarly go bust.
It’s no wonder I was amused to hear about the “stock market orgasm” and a book of that title. So I called the author of Stock Market Orgasm (Peters Publishing), California sexologist Ava Cadell, for some insider tips.
“The Stock Market Orgasm mimics the rhythm of a healthy economy,” Dr. Cadell told me. “This means a repeat cycle of a high followed by a slight dip, climbing back higher, only to be followed by another slight dip that rallies into another rousing high that generates bullish excitement.”
Lovers who get in and out quick, going for the instant thrill like short-term investors, are not as highly rated as those willing to commit like money managers focused on the long term. “While day players, like quickies in sex, get a big rush and are okay from time to time, it’s better to start like a bear with a slow build-up in sex,” says Dr. Cadell. “That ensures a great return with a bullish bang in the end.”
The “buy in” of the SMO is old-fashioned necking and petting, fondling, and slow undressing. Then comes the slight dip or correction where you purposefully slow down the action (just for a few minutes, so you don’t lose your erection). Cuddle, make eye contact, and tell each other what you like. Up the arousal again with soft kisses that evolve into French tongue thrusting, erotic talk (“I’d like you to __ my __”), and massaging bellies and bodies. Pump up the action by licking each other from head to toe and mutually masturbating.
Pull back again by feeding each other favorite sensual snacks (grapes, strawberries dipped in chocolate) or feather-stroking each other’s face and chest. Then go for broke again. Implode all five senses. Display and sniff your bodies, taste each other’s mouth, moan loudly, rub sexual organs.
In another “markdown,” blow warm breath on each other’s most erogenous zones and then rub ice on those areas (giving a new spin to “blowing hot and cold”).
“Limit up” by asking her to hit your “H-spot”-the prostate gland, usually called the “male G-spot,” but which Dr. Cadell renamed the “Hero Spot.” I approve of the hipper and more appropriate term, since it takes a hero to allow a woman’s finger inside your anus. The less brave can direct her digit to that landing strip between the anus and the base of the scrotum.
Though profits are soaring at this point, Dr. Cadell recommends taking another break by bathing each other. “This is no cold shower,” says Dr. Cadell. “Mutual washing with sensuous strokes keeps you on the brink.” Towel off provocatively and resume massage. Start intercourse with slow entry (“one millimeter at a time,” says Dr. Cadell), gradually increasing the pace and unleashing horny impulses that have been building up. Change positions from side-to-side to standing to woman-on-top. Dip, even at this high point, with “puts” and “calls” and body presses, like more communication (erotic talk, outburst of ecstasy). Now you’re ready to reap the full profits of ejaculation.
As a psychologist, I’m always amused to hear TV analysts mention the psychology of playing the market. I agree. Emotions are a major factor. A man has to react to market reports (where shares are soft or flaccid) in the same way as to his erections: without fear. Despite the day’s net gain or loss, put it all behind you at the closing bell and approach the next day’s activity wiser and with renewed enthusiasm and confidence.